Manventions: The 10 Inventions Men Demand

I love inventors. They bring us all the cool stuff…like iPods and…chairs…and toilets. Pretty cool, right? But most inventions seem to be geared towards solving the ills of society at large. And that's cool and all, but all these inventors are missing out on a key demographic–men. Hey, eggheads, you know what? Us guys have some ideas for stuff you should invent, too. They're called Manventions…Ok?

#1) Edible Beer Bottles

This is the number one invention that men demand. Beer and food go together like watching Joan Rivers and committing suicide. So what's better than bringing the food TO the beer...with edible beer bottles. Each kind of beer would have a different flavored bottle--German beers would taste like sausage, Pabst Blue Ribbon would taste like pretzels--and the edible bottle glass should taste good cold (if you eat the bottle as you drink) or warm (if you wait until the bottle's empty). Scientists? Get on this...

#2) Porn Toilet Paper

Continuing in the "combining two things that go together theme," I bring you the number two manvention...porn toilet paper. Fact A: men like to service the old dumwaiter while sitting on the toilet. Fact B: keeping old porn magazines around the house is not only embarrassing but also, once they've been "used" for over a week or so, pointless. So toilet paper geniuses, here's what us guys demand--start printing porno onto the tp for our bung holes. That way we can check out the porno, clean up, take a crap and be done with it. S'alright? S'alright.
#3) Inter-Office Exercise Equipment

Remember when you could look down and still see your penis? Well, five plus years of sitting on your ass entering numbers into spreadsheets has added a fleshy, hairy deck to that view. But what if, during your down time at the office, you could be working out from the comfort of your own office chair? Enter Manvention #3. Swivel chairs that fold back to become a free-weight bench, a chin-up bar attached to your desk's credenza and a copy machine/printer/stair-master combo system should round out your cubicle workout. Science people, make this NOW so we can work off our man-teats.

#4) Insta beard

When it comes to having a beard, the old adage is true: "you're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't;" having a beard is bad-ass, but most chicks (and employers) hate them. So what's a badassitude-seeking guy to do? Well, if these damned scientists would listen to us, you'd be able to bust out a bottle of Insta Beard and paint one on. Insta Beard is a bottle filled with real facial hair and a temporary adhesive that lasts just as long as you need a beard. Got a lunch meeting with an old college buddy? Roll-on some Insta Beard so he doesn't think you've gone all "soft" and "corporate," but take solace in the fact that by the time you slink back into your soft and corporate office chair, the Insta Beard will have dissolved already. Nerds...start doing your calculations for the glue mixture...let's make this happen!

#5) Drunk Copters

Okay, so this isn't an invention that men are demanding as much as it is a service that we desperately need. So we've been doing this designated driver thing for like, I dunno, 15 years or something...whenever Mothers Against Drunk Driving first came out...and let's face it...there's a crucial flaw in the plan. One guy has to not drink!! So that's why us guys are demanding our own fleet of helicopters chartered to fly us around when we're drunk. Then EVERYONE can drink. Except the helicopter pilot, I guess. He better not drink.

#6) Spray-on Socks and Underwear

I can wear a pair of jeans at least ten days in a row without them starting to smell. And I've got like ten drawers filled with T-shirts I've picked up over the years. But I have to do the laundry once a week. Why? I keep running out of damn socks and underwear. That's why the next manvention on the list is Spray-on Socks and Underwear. Basically we'd need scientists to somehow fit a liquid-based cotton solution into an aerosol can that would become solid cotton once the solution hit the air. Science guys, try to fit five pairs per can...then we only need one can per week (hell yes I free ball barefoot on the weekends...you wanna start something?)

#7) The F-Chip

Here's a manvention any guy could get behind! The F-Chip is just like the V-Chip, but rather than blocking violent programming from your TV, it keeps all female programming, like "Sex and the City," "Gilmore Girls" and "Will and Grace," off the air and, in their place, programs old Super Bowls on loop. Not much else to say here other than, build this motherfucker NOW!

#8) Kitchen Swords

What separates a bachelor pad's "eating hole" from some pansy, girlie kitchen? Well, currently, the food items and not much else. But we propose to change that--with the manvention the Kitchen Sword. The Kitchen Sword is exactly what it sounds like...a sword, for use in the kitchen. Coming in all shapes and sizes (from the Butter Broadsword to the Salad Samurai Slicer), the Kitchen Sword is the manly, oversized version of the knife. It's invention would blast the act of cutting food into the next stratosphere. This one wouldn't be too hard to "invent," but I'm pretty sure swords are illegal without certain licenses and stuff, so most of the leg work would have to go to raising money for Kitchen Sword Lobbyists. But guys? It's worth it.

#9) Cold Distillery Backpack

Forget brown-bagging it. With the Cold Distillery Backpack, we're talking portable brewing here, baby! Since current methods of distilling spirits normally requires heat, there's a lot of scientific leg work to be done before these backpacks go on the market. First, the concept of Cold Distilling (making alcohol without heat) would have to be invented. But once we're set in that arena (and after years of perfecting), the Cold Distillery Backpack will become one of the most fantastic inventions ever dreamed of. Just throw the key ingredient into the top of the bag (be it hops for beer, sugar cane for rum or potatoes for vodka) and let the fascinating science of Cold Distilling work its yet-to-be-invented magic and viola! Out comes your own alcohol, straight out the bag's spout! Science dudes, be honest...how close are we to making this one happen? I don't want to give up the dream.

#10) Laser Guided Condoms

Remember when you saw "Terminator" as a kid and Arnie's laser-guided handgun was the most badass thing you ever saw? Well, your penis is about to get just as badass...with our final manvention, the Laser Guided Condom. The "practical" use of these puppies is for dead aim--so you NEVER miss with the lights out (you know, just in case you're prone to throwing your hot dog down the wrong hallway or something). But really, we want this because adding lasers to our wangs would be frickin' hilariously amazing. You could totally do light shows on the ceiling after she passes out from your love making session, not to mention if you slip one of these suckers on at work, secretly give the old woodpecker some air and start doing some classic laser-pointer gags during a company board meeting. No one would be the wiser! Ohh, I want these sooo bad. Scientissssts!!! Pleaaase!

And thus concludes the list of the ten inventions men demand. You disagree? Comment below, sucker. Ahh, the comments section, the last refuge of the serial-complainer. Definitely NOT a manvention.

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